there are so many things

to smile about, love, feel good about, laugh at or just flat out be rocked by.

like this...as always


and this song


hot ass jeremy stenberg: gorgeous smile + dangerous profession = heart palpitations

how my favorite blogger, whom i've never met, always manages to say something GOOD. (thanks tony - the bus above is what i think the busblog would be like if it were an actual bus instead of a web address. very loving.)

and you could try to convince me that you have or know a kid that is cuter than mine:


BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG AND FAIL.

things suck hard sometimes i'm not gonna lie. but i like being happy, turned on, and good. it feels better.

monday's over!

progress is when the thing that is on your mind the minute you wake up is all of a sudden not on your mind until 10 am one day. that's a good feeling.

i watched "into the wild" yesterday. the story of chris mccandless. what an amazing movie. i am sure they glorified some aspects of his life, mostly because i'm guessing he was a little less mentally stable than they made him out to be. how would i know really. not like it matters. i was able to come away from the movie feeling more hopeful about life in general (while also sad), so mission accomplished by sean penn. if that was his mission. i was thinking about what a difference in the world a guy like chris would make if he was on a journey to tell people about christ. i think we'd be hearing a much different story. i wonder about what his final moments were like. he seemed to be a very spiritually connected and loving man. i hope he's hanging out with jesus right now.

tonight the myriad was at vaudeville mews. i'm bummed i couldn't go. i didn't make plans ahead of time enough so i just had to chuck the idea.

problems at school today with little man...he's so complex. sometimes i think i'm doing everything wrong with him. i just feel like i'm always on. there's not that balance where i can kinda check out if a situation is just getting to be too much. i have to go from nurturer to disciplinarian at the flip of a switch and it's so tiring. i'm just gonna come out and say that i'm not wild about his teacher. i've never said anything to e to even suggest this - i've taught him only to respect her and her rules. all i'm gonna say is thank god summer's almost here. looking forward to him having a rock-ass summer and hopefully start the 2nd grade with a fresh new beginning.

had an awesome night out with my best friends saturday. my friend is getting married and it was a little bachelorette party. a small group which really works out great in my opinion. i fell in love with a boy from minnesota. it was a very deep, meaningful connection. he said i'm a milf. that made my night =)

my love story is not over

each time i sit and think, "i should write," something stops me. either a physical distraction, having to do with motherhood or household duty or a family member, or a mental roadblock pops up saying don't share that, don't reveal that, don't go there because what's the point? there's always a voice that will keep me from coming out and saying what i want to say.

here's what i want to tell you.

in the last 6 months or so, i have passed through my days in a fog. all of my energy has been spent pulling myself out of a pit of depression and anger and sadness, some days only long enough to get through the day at work. i have shed more tears than in all my 29 years combined. some of them have been over things that have been done to me, some have been a result of ugly and painful truths god has shown me about where i have put my faith and hope for a good majority of my adult years. some of the tears came when i realized that the last year of my life was for the most part an illusion, and that i was mistaken about many things, most of all that if you close your eyes and cross your fingers and click your heels together incessantly, the thing you want to go away will magically disappear by sheer will.

i've got images and words burned into my mind that won't ever go away. ugly, hurtful and disgustingly human. some nights i'll lay awake and BEG for sleep because i can't stand to have one more painful memory cross my mind. i've shaken and sobbed in disbelief that it was possible for me to hurt so deeply, and that i could be so mistaken about what i thought i was supposed to be doing with my life, and with my heart. i've felt the vacuuous and embarrassing pain of realizing i don't feel worthy of love. i've felt forgotten, abandoned and stupid. i've longed to pour myself into something or someone else just to feel like i was a part of something.

not yet have i been delivered physically from any of the circumstances that i've mourned. i haven't been provided with that thing or person to pour myself into thankfully. my heart, while still broken and confused, is being put back together, slowly. i feel like i'm digging though, not really what you would expect for someone coming out of a darkness. it's hard work, digging. but that image of shoving my arms down into dirt has come to mind often, and at some point i started to realize it felt better than just laying on the surface in the fetal position, begging for the storm to pass. i don't know what people do if they don't dig. they stay up there and flop around i guess. maybe that's how we should classify ourselves - the ones who dig and the ones who don't.

i have been delivered from despair time and time again. i know he doesn't ever want me to forget that i won't arrive and i won't become whole and i won't ever not need HIM. christ is my constant and repeated guide, revealing more to me than i imagined was possible through what have appeared to me as desparately hopeless situations. there are days on end that pass when i miss his voice or spirit, because i'm too busy thinking i know, i know, i know. he has spoken to me through music, through friends, through silence. he's uncovered parts of my self that i thought were long gone. he's taken me back to the worst moments of my life and shown me that even then, i was his daughter. i'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to understand his ways. i'm glad about it though, because there is always hope in him. he knows me. i'm not lost.

Well, you can fall for chains of silver, you can fall for chains of gold
You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold
You promised me everything, you promised me thick and thin
Now you just say, "Oh, Romeo, yeah, you knowI used to have a scene with him"

Job 28
1 "There is a mine for silver
and a place where gold is refined.
2 Iron is taken from the earth,
and copper is smelted from ore.
3 Man puts an end to the darkness;
he searches the farthest recesses
for ore in the blackest darkness.
4 Far from where people dwell he cuts a shaft,
in places forgotten by the foot of man;
far from men he dangles and sways.
5 The earth, from which food comes,
is transformed below as by fire;
6 sapphires come from its rocks,
and its dust contains nuggets of gold.
7 No bird of prey knows that hidden path,
no falcon's eye has seen it.
8 Proud beasts do not set foot on it,
and no lion prowls there.
9 Man's hand assaults the flinty rock
and lays bare the roots of the mountains.
10 He tunnels through the rock;
his eyes see all its treasures.
11 He searches the sources of the rivers
and brings hidden things to light.
12 "But where can wisdom be found?
Where does understanding dwell?
13 Man does not comprehend its worth;
it cannot be found in the land of the living.
14 The deep says, 'It is not in me';
the sea says, 'It is not with me.'
15 It cannot be bought with the finest gold,
nor can its price be weighed in silver.
16 It cannot be bought with the gold of Ophir,
with precious onyx or sapphires.
17 Neither gold nor crystal can compare with it,
nor can it be had for jewels of gold.
18 Coral and jasper are not worthy of mention;
the price of wisdom is beyond rubies.
19 The topaz of Cush cannot compare with it;
it cannot be bought with pure gold.
20 "Where then does wisdom come from?
Where does understanding dwell?
21 It is hidden from the eyes of every living thing,
concealed even from the birds of the air.
22 Destruction [c] and Death say,
'Only a rumor of it has reached our ears.'
23 God understands the way to it
and he alone knows where it dwells,
24 for he views the ends of the earth
and sees everything under the heavens.
25 When he established the force of the wind
and measured out the waters,
26 when he made a decree for the rain
and a path for the thunderstorm,
27 then he looked at wisdom and appraised it;
he confirmed it and tested it.
28 And he said to man, '
The fear of the Lord—that is wisdom,
and to shun evil is understanding.' "

tadpole update

does anybody know anything about tadpoles, or the life cycle of a frog in general? our tadpole is not dead, but the only confirmation i get of that is that the part where he breathes is moving. he just floats. every once in a while if i shake his little tank he will flutter around for a minute but then he just goes right back to floating. is he going into his next stage? have i somehow poisoned him? or can tadpoles get depressed? if so, then i would completely relate to his choice to just float. recently i've had days where i would have done the same.

if you have any tadpole knowledge...drop it.

christ is such a total badass

what kills me is this. here we are running around on this planet in our fear and insecurity and pain, working our little hearts out at building our worlds up around us to present whatever idolatrous message we want to send about ourselves. and in our quest we create carnage - emotional, physical, mental. we damage our children. we wound each other emotionally to the point that we are all scarred to a certain degree. we're like bats on meth, flapping around in the dark cave, and the more we knock into each other the more frenzied we get. exponential insanity.

and what does christ do? what did he do when he KNEW we were gonna be like this? he got involved. he came here and looked at our dirty little hearts and said, "i love you, and you are never gonna really get it until you are DEAD, but while you're busy thinking you know everything, there's some good moments to be had with me and you, and your eternal salvation is worth more to me than any amount of rejection you could throw my way. and you'll reject me. you'll have a hard time not putting everything else before me. i will long for our hearts to have communion with one another, and when we do you will be the most complete and loved you've ever been. and then you'll probably kinda reject me again." and then to top it all off he gave us the freedom to choose.

what kind of a maniac does that? he's not laying us out in old testament style smack downs like he should. christ is the most radical presence in the universe and in this day and age, where everyone is looking for the next hip cat to worship, he's a much better option in my opinion. because he's got a lot more than 15 minutes of fame under his belt. it's embarrassing that i let ANYONE on this planet EVER mean more to me than he does. or that i think anyone down here could understand my heart like he does. he blows me away.

“He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.”(2 Corinthians 5:21)

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea
A great high Priest who's name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me

My name is graven on His hand
My name is written on His heart
I know that while in heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart

When satan tempts me to despair
and tells me of the guilt within
upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin

Because a sinless Savior died
my sinful soul is counted free
For God the just is satisfied
to look on Him and pardon me

Hallelujah
Praise the One Risen Son of God.

Behold Him there, the risen Lamb
My perfect spotless righteousness
The great unchangeable I AM
The King of Glory and of grace
One in Himself, I cannot die

My soul is purchased by His blood
My life is hid with Christ on high
With Christ my Savior and my God

-----------shane & shane

seven

well it was seven years ago yesterday that you came to town and totally changed everything. i can't put into words how much i love you. you are constantly surprising me and making me laugh - you really are the best thing that ever happened to me.

however i feel it is time for me to come clean. i may have killed your tadpole. you were gone this weekend and i forgot about your little pet, so he didn't get fed for a few days. his water was looking a little gross too, and smelled, so i cleaned it. i hope it wasn't too late. when i went to feed it he darted around his habitat like a crackhead for a few seconds, then settled down in his little nook and stopped moving altogether. i wonder if tadpoles can have heart attacks. i replaced some of the water with clean water and dropped a few pellets in there. hopefully by morning he'll be acting normal again. if not, we can get you another one, although it seems like an exercise in futility because the few pets we have possessed (this one, Yellow, your blue betta fish, and Clark the hermit crab) have gone tragically awry. Yellow developed some kind of schizophrenia, and began staring at me. I would be sitting on the couch watching tv and would look over, and there was Yellow in his fish bowl, STARING DIRECTLY AT ME. You were relatively disinterested in him at that time, because, well, fish are boring. So when you were on vacation I flushed him. I didn't lie to you about it either. I told you he was crazy and I flushed him. You got over it pretty quickly. And Clark just straight up disappeared.

This tadpole holds out the promise of becoming a frog someday if we can keep him alive that long, so you are more attentive to his needs. Which, you've decided his needs are low lighting in the evening time, and a cloth over his habitat when we are watching tv, because you think him being able to see us scares him. trust me kid, he was surviving in that ghetto pet store we rescued him from, so i'm guessing his current situation is like the chateau marmont. i could be wrong though. what do i know about tadpoles.

so i'm sorry if i did kill your friend. but if there's anything you know about me by now it's that i will go to great, ridiculous, time- and money-wasting measures to make you happy. so all will be well. happy birthday buddy.

on the edge

i'm super irritated right now. sometimes the daily routine just gets to be too much. home, dinner, a little bit of chill time, then it's all the crap before bed time. right now erich's class is doing a reading program and they can read as many as two books a night (little first grader books mind you) and then when they reach certain milestones like 25, 50, 100 books, etc., they get a little prize. so really it's just a race against themselves (yeah right).

what sucks is that to be an awesome parent - the kind that i had and the kind that i want to be - is really f-ing hard work. on nights like tonight i just wasn't feeling the joy of sitting and listening to my smart as hell kid read to me and i hate that. but i feel like i'm on my own most of the time. there's nobody there that HAS to be my backup. no official teammate. and that would have been nice tonight because i was irritated as hell with having to do something great for my kid. i was literally feeling physical discomfort as i sat and listened to him read. if we skip a night of reading it's not the end of the world. but i want to go above and beyond for him whenever i can, and not just be a slacker parent. maybe sometimes going above and beyond means putting the brakes on reading time because i know it will just make me be grumpy with him. i'm learning as i go. as the months and years pass i keep discovering new blessings of parenthood. but i also keep discovering new ways that i'm gonna need to lean on god as i try to be a mom without a partner.